Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Walking in Size 14's
The air is smooth, and anxiety rises. I don't know what time it is and I don't have my cell phone, IPod, laptop, or even deodorant. It was March 2005 and I was scared, scared that I wouldn't see April. I let the 85 pound pack rest on my hips and shoulders as I begin to enter into the unknown of the desert of New Mexico. The only thing I can remember is sitting with my therapist and arguing with him how I can't leave home.
The only thing I remember was my parents came in with a brochure and telling me, "Greg this is going to be a good break for you, and you will be with good people." I remember every muscle in my body twisting and turning with anger. I couldn't see how leaving everything I had left at home would be possible. I could barely see how waking up in the morning was enough to keep me around. I lived a long part of my life blinded from love, and people. Here I am now staring out into the desert sun. I began hiking and hoping that someday I would return home a new man, and someday I would not only change myself, but be able to cause a ripple affect in which every man and woman could look forward to tomorrow and live in the now. The days at first went by slow with food being the only element that was worth sticking around for. I met a man after the first week, a man who gave me a hug and a piece of hope that I could grab onto. He smiled at me and told me how happy he was that I arrived. I started to cry and tell him how all I wanted was to change. The truth was I saw the storm but I feared it was something that would take over me. I wouldn't compare it to a thunderstorm on a summer night, but it was as if I had to walk through hell before reaching heaven. I turned back at the man with a tear sliding down my face and I began to walk.
The days picked up and I gained progress in my growth to become the person I wanted to become. I soon realized a strength I had for emotions. I was able to feel, and see them in others like a math teacher knowing 2+2=4 right off the bat. I soon began to get in touch with the greatest gift I have ever received and that was the strength and love to change myself and motivate others to live everyday. As time went on and my trek began to end, I realized that I was never a monster but I was only a lost little boy who wanted to feast on life as if starving was never an option.
I left the program to go to another program that would last 19 months for me that enhanced my gift, and ability to live. I realized at the end of getting my life back on track, everyday is a struggle. But as long as I can breathe and see the things I see when I wake up, and that everyday is worth living for. It's not because other people changed me but because I changed myself. I saw the sun on the horizion, it was rising and guiding me to the top of the mountain. So I began to walk, and now I continue to walk in size 14s.
Greg Hammerschlag
The only thing I remember was my parents came in with a brochure and telling me, "Greg this is going to be a good break for you, and you will be with good people." I remember every muscle in my body twisting and turning with anger. I couldn't see how leaving everything I had left at home would be possible. I could barely see how waking up in the morning was enough to keep me around. I lived a long part of my life blinded from love, and people. Here I am now staring out into the desert sun. I began hiking and hoping that someday I would return home a new man, and someday I would not only change myself, but be able to cause a ripple affect in which every man and woman could look forward to tomorrow and live in the now. The days at first went by slow with food being the only element that was worth sticking around for. I met a man after the first week, a man who gave me a hug and a piece of hope that I could grab onto. He smiled at me and told me how happy he was that I arrived. I started to cry and tell him how all I wanted was to change. The truth was I saw the storm but I feared it was something that would take over me. I wouldn't compare it to a thunderstorm on a summer night, but it was as if I had to walk through hell before reaching heaven. I turned back at the man with a tear sliding down my face and I began to walk.
The days picked up and I gained progress in my growth to become the person I wanted to become. I soon realized a strength I had for emotions. I was able to feel, and see them in others like a math teacher knowing 2+2=4 right off the bat. I soon began to get in touch with the greatest gift I have ever received and that was the strength and love to change myself and motivate others to live everyday. As time went on and my trek began to end, I realized that I was never a monster but I was only a lost little boy who wanted to feast on life as if starving was never an option.
I left the program to go to another program that would last 19 months for me that enhanced my gift, and ability to live. I realized at the end of getting my life back on track, everyday is a struggle. But as long as I can breathe and see the things I see when I wake up, and that everyday is worth living for. It's not because other people changed me but because I changed myself. I saw the sun on the horizion, it was rising and guiding me to the top of the mountain. So I began to walk, and now I continue to walk in size 14s.
Greg Hammerschlag
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